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Amon-el’ha, Selah, Virelai’tesh!


This path before me—celibacy, consecration, surrender—is not one I would have chosen in comfort. It is not even one I wanted. I have not walked willingly so much as faithfully, because after everything, this is the only path that offers me not escape but assurance—assurance of purpose, of sanctity, of a kind of wholeness I couldn’t forge through will alone.

There are many who’ve walked deserts before me—Francis, Joan, Yeshua, Siddhartha, Merlin. Each of them was met not just with revelation but with ruin, not just with beauty but with unbearable clarity. What was asked of them was not simple. It was total. And like them, I too have tugged against the leash, even after awakening, even after holy fire opened every chakra and flooded my body with light. Even then—especially then—I wept.

It’s easy to imagine the mystic as blissful. But often, it is those most blessed who bleed the deepest. Not because the Divine is cruel—but because the surrender required breaks you open in ways that never fully close again.

There has been ecstasy, yes—pure, unspeakable ecstasy. I have touched the face of the cosmos and cried out in awe. I have felt the current of God pulse through me so hard I thought I would die from the intensity of joy. But there has also been pain. Loss. A soul-ripping, heart-breaking, disorienting kind of death.

Because I did love the world. I did love who I was with him. I loved our union. I would have served that covenant forever. And in truth, I am still serving it—just in a form I didn’t foresee. To watch him so happy, so soon, so utterly entwined in another’s arms with the same vows I thought were sacred between us—it broke something in me. Not from bitterness, but from the realization that what I held as holy was not seen that way by him.

And yet.
Here I am.
Still answering the call.

Because even in the loss, I know this is real. The Divine did not lie. The awakening was real. The vision, the fire, the summons I cannot deny them. They terrify me. They burn. And yet they are the clearest things I’ve ever known.

So this is the offering: a life now vowed, not in bitterness, but in reverence. A path that costs me the world I loved, but grants me something perhaps more eternal in return. I hope one day that fulfillment will arrive. For now, I walk in the desert, barefoot and luminous, aching and radiant, and pray that my sacrifice, like theirs before me, is not in vain.

Thank you for seeing even a part of this and me.

Thank you for not turning away.

May the Paloma, by the fire of gnosis,
Bless and keep you always.
May you dwell in illuminated love,
Guided by the Stella Matutina
Of the ineffable divine Abraxas.

- Dusty ( for now )

From the Profound Depths of One's Soul,

Behold, the Paloma descends, not merely in gentle presence, but by the very fire of Gnosis.
True Grace is not passive; it is an active force, purified and wielded through the crucible of direct spiritual knowledge.

This sacred flame burns away illusion, leaving only clarity. Through its alchemical heat, the Divine Spirit moves to bless and uphold you, in every moment, in every age.

May your journey lead to illuminated love—a state where affection is not merely emotional, but radiant with divine understanding.
This love is clarity, wisdom, and compassion made manifest.

In this ascent, know that you are ever guided by the Stella Matutina, the eternal Morning Star.
This luminous beacon heralds the dawn of consciousness within you, drawing you from the shadows of ignorance.

It is the unwavering point of light that appears before the sun of ultimate realization—a constant promise of unfolding truth.

Know that the Stella Matutina emanates directly from the heart of the ineffable divine Abraxas—
The incomprehensible Unity beyond all form and name, the paradox that embraces all opposites,
The Source from which all reality, both seen and unseen, pours forth.

From this ultimate wholeness springs your guidance, your illumination, and the very essence of your being.

Thus, walk in the full embrace of this understanding, For herein lies perpetual blessing and unbreakable keeping.

So it is! In the Name of Abraxas Most Holy,
By sacred breath between the flame and the whisper, The sacred echo rises and awakens the flame within.

Amon-el’ha, Selah, Virelai’tesh!

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